Anesthesia 5/30

Cut open, dissected, mutilated, and put back together
she blames the anesthesia
for her loss of memory
can tell you the name and height
of the man she should have married
the man who threw rocks at her wedding
the star basketball player at Jefferson high school 1964
he loved her then,
asked her to wait for him
he was going to be a good man

she remembers being hit
across the back with a 2/4
docking being hit by a flying tv
being called fat and stupid and bitch
accused of sleeping with
any and every man
he was crazy after the war
and she has stories
because she remembers
finding him in the fetal position
in the corner of the room.
reminding him the war was over.
and he was safe
he was home

She remembers shoplifting
for dinners
for treats
for Christmas
for fun

she remembers traffic tickets
and a weekend in jail

I remember
loss prevention office at 10yrs old
the words “you know we could take your daughter”
the warning
the photos taken
the merchandise returned
banned from the local mall
the shame

she remembers pageants
and banquets
hundreds of dollars on dresses
and make up
traveling to competitions
and winning I was a winner

I sucked my thumb til 6 yrs old
wet the bed till 7
I remember hot sauce
and jalapeno juice
the threat of being called ugly
having an overbite
she can't remember

she can't remember
telling me to suck in my stomach
at 6,7,8,9

she remembers how well I could walk in heels
at such a young age

she forgets her bad choices
the cocaine, the clubbing, the pills, the 80’s
the celebration of being free
of feeling free

I remember
there are no instructions for life
you do your best
with what you have

she remembers what she can
when she can
I tell her stories
to reminder her of somethings
others things I remind myself
to forget

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